Tuesday, April 12, 2005

Some days you just can't get rid of a garbage can

How would one go about throwing away a garbage can? My current kitchen garbage can has once too many times been sullied by cheap garbage bags breaking, and no Lysol can eliminate its disgusting odor, so i want to get a new one, and throw this one out.

As far as i see it, my only option is to take it to a dumpster and throw it there. Otherwise, if i have a garbage can left out for the garbage men, they will assume that there is trash therein and open the lid and dump the non existant remains into their truck, eschewing my kitchen can to the curb with my proper, outdoor cans.

I thought about leaving a note "Take Me Mr. DPW!" (i think they would respond better to that than "Take Me Mr. Garbage Man/Mr. Waste Management/Low Level Mafioso!"), but if i were a garbage man, that note would appear suspicious. Perhaps i have a vengeful neighbor who would delight in nothing more than me losing the approx. $9.98 a new garbage can would cost me, and therefore has planted a note on my garbage can. Plus, let's be realistic here - are the garbage men really going to take the time to read every note they come across? I think not - they have a schedule to adhere to, and note reading just isn't part of that schedule. I would assume that a very long and thorough shower would be though. I gag just thinking of the smell of a garbage truck directly before "doing the nasty" (that is cleaning it out with push brooms, for those not familiar with the cinematic classic Men at Work staring brothers Charlie Sheen and Emilio Estavez as garbage men who fall into hillariously cooky situations involving a corpse wearing a Richard Nixon mask, a french fry loving/cop hating Keith David {whom many of you know from his role in There's Something About Mary - "Is it the frank or the beans?"}, and 80s stalwart character actor Dean Cameron, who is most famous for his role as Francis 'Chainsaw' Gremp in Summer School, who here plays a pizza man caught in the middle! In case you haven't seen it, now i know you understand its mastery of the art of the motion picture. Add it to your Netflix queue NOW!).

The other option i thought of was putting the can inside of a LARGER garbage bag, and leaving it out on the curb. But then i have to either a) buy a whole box of uselessly huge bags or b) steal one from work. And i'm no thief, so i guess it's either buy a huge garbage bag, or walk around back and throw it in the Pool Store/Christmas Gift Store (i shit you not) and use their dumpster. To quote Adam West, "Bon voyage, pussy." Oh, i mean, "Some days you just can't get rid of a [garbage can]."


At 1:31 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Mother's Day is less than a month away. Remeber, it's the thought that counts.

Matt P

At 2:50 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

I just noticed your comment about the Pool/Christmas store. Around here we have "Pool City" which sells pools during the summer and Christmas stuff during the Winter. They play commercials for it on TV all the time.

It makes sense. Why buy a pool during the winter or a Christmas tree during the summer?

Matt P

At 10:57 AM, Blogger Erin said...

What a conundrum! You are a funny, funny man, but maybe you should spend some less time making jokes and more time cleaning your garbage can so this can be avoided in the future :)

At 12:35 PM, Blogger Eileen said...

We're having the same issue here. My mom just bought some insanely huge garbage can for us to use instead of the one that the squirrels have been eating. Plus my dad used the purple spray paint I bought for that table I made for college to write a "33" on the can. I was thinking you could write "trash" on it with said spray paint, but then the garbage men might think you're just trying to teach a child about different words. Or that you're weird for writing "trash" on trash.

We really need to go to that store, I'm so intrigued by the place.


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