Thursday, January 20, 2005

I am a sellout

So here i am in "blogspace" and i am a sellout. I still dislike blogs in general but for the rant to continue, something had to be done for a few reasons. First of all, this allows me to post smaller updates and not wait until i've accumulated a whole rant (which has recently taken months). Second, i can post photos. Third, it is a more direct feedback system that will keep all the feedback in one place. Fourth, there is less of a chance to lose information. Finally, it will (hopefully) expand the number of people who read my diatribes. So i am embracing my selloutness. Relish this moment because its likely to never happen again. And be thankful bitches, the blogger system is incredibly annoying to use if you're a pure HTML guy like myself. I must really love all of you.

So, without further ado:

Things i've learned from the commercials shown during I Love the 90s Part Deux:

-when buying maxi pads, apparently women look for "odor protection"

-parents are bastards and lie to their children

-Flavor Flav went from washed up nobody to overexposed celebrity faster than anyone since OJ Simpson

-apparently, Americans are so stupid that they want recreations of their terrible shows from 30 years ago

-that "a shift has been made"

-that Las Vegas makes old people liars and sex maniacs

-Larry King LOVES The Phantom of the Opera, but apparently everyone else thinks its shite

-speaking of Larry King, since when is he an authority on movies? he's just famous and a journalist so i guess it is not even acknowledged by the American people that he knows dick about movies. just like you wouldn't care if Al Roker or Chuck Scarborough loved a movie. i wish i was famous enough to be able to trick people that way.

On that note...BRIAN'S TOP TEN FILMS OF 2004:

10. The Incredibles

Even though "The Fantastic Four were the first fantastic family (holla back Ian, Liz, Erin and Kenny)," this was one of the best films of the year. Plus, part of me really enjoys the idea that little kids everywhere sat through 45 minutes of musings on middle age, infidelity, feelings of worth and Edith Head jokes just to get to the final battle sequences.

9. Collateral

Michael Mann is pretty much the only director who can get me excited about a non-comic book action movie. Not only that, but he uses both Jamie Foxx and Tom Cruise to the peak of their ability and made Mrs. Will Smith look both hot and like a good actress (something the Matrix films couldn't do).

8. The Life Aquatic with Steve Zissou

Wes Anderson is hands down the most creative director working today, and it says something when his worst film is still one of the ten best made this year. I never thought i would say this, but Jeff Goldblum steals this picture. And who can resist the adorable Bud Cort?

7. Spiderman 2
This movie made me geek out almost non-stop for 2 hours. Truly better than the original, which is damn hard to do. Kirsten Dunst is really hot, Alfred Molina is brilliant as Doc Ock, and i'll be damned if even a corny "I'm back on the moon!" line can't ruin this movie.

6. Before Sunset

The reason i know i've matured despite my still laughing at people falling down is my love for things this film and its prequel, Before Sunrise. Its this simple: 80 minutes in the life of two people who haven't seen each other in 9 years. That's it. They have 80 minutes until Ethan Hawke gets on a plane, and it is how they spend that time. Julie Delpy may also be the most beautiful actress working today.

5. Shaun of the Dead

The tagline says it all: "A Romantic Comedy. With Zombies." Fall down funny, scary at times, touching at others (the shit with his mother is truly sad), Shaun of the Dead was a pleasant surprise. Plus for a Zombie movie fan, there are tons of injokes featuring references to the Evil Dead series, Night of the Living Dead and others. Plus, using a Queen song in a zombie movie is too great to pass up.

4. Garden State

Another movie that hits on a lot of emotions, Garden State is an impressive debut for Zach Braff as a writer/director. And, to quote Barry from High Fidelity, the soundtrack kicks fucking ass. This reminds me why i love Natalie Portmann despite her shitty films. Plus, who can resist the adorable Ian Holm?

3. Kill Bill Vol. 2

Kill Bill Vol. 1 was a bloody mess, and i loved every second of it. Vol. 2 is significantly less bloody, but also significantly better. From the Superman monologue to the Western-theme, to the painfully complex Bill/Bride/daughter relationship and the sublime acting of David Carradine, Vol. 2, when taken in with Vol. 1, is one of the most enjoyable, and totally different bookends of all time.

2. Sideways

Paul Giammatti is the man. Hands down. This is the second year in a row that he has made the top 2 of my best films of the year list. Sideways is another indication of my maturity, as 5 years ago i would've been bored to tears by a movie about wine, golf, and infidelity. Alexander Payne, as a director, can perfectly walk the line of touching, funny and sad all at once.

1. Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind

Like Wes Anderson, just because Charlie Kaufman's screenplay is his weakest yet, it doesn't mean that it isn't fantastic. An unlikely love story told from the breakup backwards, Jim Carey and Kate Winslet somehow make you start off hating their characters and you wind up loving them both. Plus, i have a soft spot for trick photography, Jon Brion scores and David Cross w/ a moustache. Only of two new films this year that I've watched twice (the other being Garden State), but this is a cut above.

Stay tuned for my Top 30 Albums of '04 Coming Soon.

To Comment, click where it says "__ Comments" and if you are a Blogger member, great, if not, click "Post Annonymously" and enjoy!


At 4:13 PM, Blogger renegadeprincess said...

Eternal Sunshine was def a kick-ass movie. Wouldn't it be sweet if we really could delete people from our memories?

At 4:47 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Glad to see you put Shaun of the Dead on your list of films or else I was going to have to call you on it. Enjoyed the rant as usual, nothing to bitch and moan about on my end of things.

Yes, the freak in the movie theatre. I wanted to tell him, just to piss him off, that Marvel Comics sucks, even though I was wearing a Captain America logo shirt that day (not as dorky as it sounds folks, it's just his shield on the chest of the shirt, but didn't really feel like getting into a whole fanboy argument cause comic fans can be annoying.

For your Top 10 films of 2005, will you be putting any of my films on that list? Come on baby, SPACE WOLF! You know you loved it.


At 5:44 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

I saw the film that Larry King was so excited about. All I really remember is that a kid with Tourette's let out 4 blood curderling screams during the most quiet part of the film and that Joel Shumacher doesn't appreciate the difference between screen and stage acting.

The Rant in blog form is much like TV fast food commericals, I'm loving it!!

At 6:30 PM, Blogger Vinny said...

A.) Everything stated in your reasons why this is a blog now is all the reasons to have a blog. You can call it the rant in blog format but its still a blog and you LOOOOOVVVVEEEE it so dont even play like you don't. Biznatch!

b.) No Napolean Dynamite? I see how it is! I see.

c.) I HEART Blogs!

At 11:51 PM, Blogger Erin said...

First I beat you in trivial pursuit:book edition now you get a blog-2005 is the best year ever!

I agree with Eternal Sunshine being the best movie of the year. It even makes my top 5 romantic movies ever list.

I don't even think I saw 10 new movies this year, but I'll agree with Vinny that Napoleon Dynomite should be on your list. But do whatever you want to do, gosh!

At 11:59 PM, Blogger Queen D The Original Southern Diva said...

Technically that artist is called "Flava Flav" and I am making your blog the blog of the day. I know where you're coming from regarding the HTML stuff, but I have found that blogger is the lesser of the evils when it comes to blogging tools and I've tried a number of them.
You can view your link at

At 1:39 AM, Blogger Ryan McIntyre said...

You sold out faster than a supply Tickle-Me-Elmo's at Christmas of 96. I am ashamed...But I am going to try to see all of your movies you've selected because although I am ashamed, I respect your taste. Garden State here I come...
PS- No Harold and Kumar? Napoleon Dynomite? Wait til I'm done training to be a cage fighter, I'm gonna kick your ass, right after I beat you in the crave case challenge.

At 2:27 AM, Blogger Eileen said...

I have to agree with Erin, first she kicks your ass book style, then Vinny and Steve kicked your ass pop culture style and now you're blogging it up with the best of us! Although I must say I prefer the Rant in mail form, I think this will work out for me eventually. (The blog form is like Jon Stewart on the Daily Show -- one day I'll realize I was a fool for ever thinking the original is better! Of course THAT'S something you don't forget, but my birthday or my name, you'll forget that in a second. But I digress.)

I can't believe you and I agree on films! I loved Garden State and Spiderman 2 (as you know, I almost jumped out of my seat in excitement for it). I can't wait to see your album list, especially since I'll know like 2 of the musicians on it, but I do love seeing the Rant (blog) back. Please don't forget your stuff of the week every once in a while because I do enjoy that and I enjoy seeing Erin's response to it.

PS: You are such a sell-out.

At 10:51 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Brian -

My heart broke a little when I saw that you've switched over to the blog format. I was just having a discussion with my buddy nate how in general blogs have caused nothing but pain, pain usually inflicted by women and gay men towards straight men.

This being said since as far as I know you are neither a woman or a gay man I will give you the benefit of the doubt. Now, nothing against women or gay men, I just think that sometimes they forget that the pen (or keyboard) truly is mightier than the sword.

Also I appreciate the rant-theme of your blog. Most ones I've ever read before I gave up reading blogs (I guess until now) have been similar to this: "dum-dee-dum I went to the store today, yippidee-yip, I'm going on vacation, look at me, read what i say, LOVE ME, doop-doop de doop." The biggest shame about typical blogs is that they're written by intelligent people who somehow get obsessed with the fact that they're scholarly and all that and decide to ramble on about boring shit from their masters theses or their girlfriends. Anyway, I'm sure the rant blog will be an iconoclast for the blog world.

Lastly, GREAT movie list. I'm not going to list all of my little gripes with it but I'm very glad you included some of my favorites which have gone unappreciated: COLLATERAL and THE LIFE AQUATIC. I will say that I'm in the minority of people who did not like ETERNAL SUNSHINE. Don't get me wrong, the acting performances are great and the story is intriguing but my issue is that I felt the movie was too affecting. Kaufman, who usually adapts his fascinatingly surreal scripts with an air of objectivity, passed the buck on this one, in my opinion, to creating a tear-jerker. It just didn't float my boat...I had the tears, but it felt cheap, it was a surrealist one-night-stand.

That's it

At 12:29 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

I knew you were going to do this. You are dead to me. Dead like Jen...



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