Wednesday, January 26, 2005

Dear Landlord...

Dear Landlord,

Hi! It's Brian, your tenant in the other half of your duplex. I have a few complaints that i'd like to make known now, as i have just passed the 6 month mark on living here.

1 - Silence your dog.

Now, i am the biggest dog lover in the world, but this thing has got to shut the fuck up at some point. I mean, the dog barks constantly, at nothing. Sometimes when i close the oven, he barks. Other times i'll turn the TV on, and that will set about a 20 minute barking spell if no one is home in your unit. How do i propose you silence your dog? Any way possible. I don't condone killing it, but kicking its ass and ripping out its larynx sound perfectly reasonable to me. I just lowered the blinds on my window and he barked. Plus, his name is Christopher - what kind of name is that for a dog? Dogs should be named the things you'd name your kids if you were a celebrity and could get away with ridiculous things like naming your child Prince.

2 - Lawn Ornaments = White Trash

I don't care how nice you think the little gnomes, ducks and does look on our lawn, they make us officially white trash. Not only that, but you keep them up during the winter, when snow covers them and makes them look even stupider. Now it just looks like some moron tossed random oversized hummels into the snow - which, come to think of it, is pretty much what happened. Here is photo evidence of how stupid this looks :

While walking to my front door to take that picture, the dog started to bark.

3 - False Advertising

Advertising that your apartment for rent has a "working washer and dryer" would imply that the washer and dryer work. Oh lordy, is that not the case. The washing machine jams if anything more than 3 or 4 items are placed inside of it, and on top of that, the dryer took over 2 hours to dry 4 pillow cases that i had put in there last week. This is not my definition of a successful washing/drying situation. And remember how you blamed me for not cleaning the lint trap, only to reveal that the link trap was replaced by piece of a screen door? That was classic.

Also, if the stove/oven is plugged in, there is no way to stop it from BEEPING ever 59 minutes, until you set the timer back at 59 minutes. This isn't even when the oven is on, just if it is plugged in. I have had at least 5 people inspect this (including the work matinence man who used to work in the appliance department at Wal-Mart), and all their conclusions are the same - it is a falty range. Also not noted in the listing!

Oh, and the carpet used to smell like cat piss until i Febreezed the shit out of it.

4 - The Internet

How come you and your wife have no idea about the internet? And i'm not talking about being a whiz at it or anything, but just general knowledge of what it is. Both of you looked dumbfounded when i explained that no, i did not have 2 cable television lines coming in, but one cable tv line and one internet line. "Inter-net?," you pondered. Yes, the invention that has changed the world more in the last 10 years than just about anything else save cell phones (which also confuse you to no end - you don't understand how my cell phone doesn't have an Oakland prefix since i LIVE in Oakland).

5 - Simple Physics

If you have the TV up so loud that i can hear it in the other unit, then is closed captioning really needed? I would think that if you had them both on, you'd be confused as the captioning takes a good 10-15 seconds to catch up to the talking heads, so you're hearing it at 12:01:00 and reading it at 12:01:15. I don't know about you, but that would drive me nuts. So, the scenario must follow as such: either you don't read the captions or you don't hear the volume. So, ELIMINATE ONE OF THEM. I sympathize with the hard of hearing, but this is just pointless. You don't see people who are legally blind sitting an inch from the screen while blasting the volume, do you? NO, because that would solve nothing. This is not a one time occurance either - whenever i have to venture over to that barky, old person smelling hovel, the TV is up full blast and the closed captioning is on.

I hope that you consider these suggestions and work through them so that the next tenant does not have to deal with these little perdicaments.


PS. For the 5th time, i have never flushed condoms, tampons or paper towels down the toilet as you insist i do every time. Trust me, i would love to do nothing more than clog up my own toilet and make my sink gurgle like a motherfucker every few hours, but i sadly am not responsible. Perhaps it was the ho who lived here before and left two of her thongs in the barely working washer.


At 4:53 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

I am NOT a ho!


At 8:28 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Oh man this was fuckin' hilarious rant-action. Am I allowed to say fuckin' on this site? I am pretty sure you have dropped the F-bomb, but now that we're on these reply-page, I can't check. I guess we'll see, shant we?

As addendum to subject 1, I would like to present that the children of Bruce Willis and Demi Moore are named Scout, Rumer, and Tallulah.

Also, I would like to apologize for laughing my ass of at this rant, because these things are doubtlessly quite the hassle on you.


At 8:36 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

For the millionth time get the damn dog whistle. It may seem cruel at first, but it's a form of conditioning for the pooch.


At 8:39 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

oh and also, i hit the "next blog" button on the top right hand corner and got this:


-kenny (again)


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